'AITA for not sharing MY inheritance with my parents' long-term foster son?' UPDATED (2024)

My parents also put money into it each year. I don't have access to the exact numbers yet because everything is still being managed by the solicitors, but from what I remember it was around 8-9k per year. This means Ben will have a decent amount of money when he turns 18, plus whatever support he gets from social services in the meantime.

Here's where it gets complicated. My girlfriend has gotten quite close to Ben over the years, and she thinks I should share the inheritance with him. She argues that Ben has now lost two sets of parents—his biological ones and now my parents—and that it would be the right thing to do.

She feels that Ben deserves something more than just his ISA, especially since my parents considered him their son. I understand where she's coming from, and I feel for Ben. Losing my parents has been devastating, and I can’t imagine what it’s like for him to lose another set of parental figures.

But at the same time, I'm not sure it's fair to expect me to give up a portion of my inheritance. This money could help secure my future, enable me to buy a home, invest, or start a family. I don’t have access to the inheritance yet, but when everything is finalised, it will legally belong to me.

I'm torn between what I’m being told is "the right thing" and what I feel is fair. I’ve always been polite with Ben, but we never really bonded, especially since I was already an adult and living away when he came into the family. So, AITA for not planning to share my inheritance with my parents' foster son? I feel guilty, but I also think I have the right to keep what’s legally mine.

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

truffanis_3637 wrote:

So you as a 35-year-old man are letting your 16 year old foster brother be tossed back in the system. The inheritance seems like a smaller issue than your lack of immediate concern for him. I’m sure your parents would be proud.

pinkladypiece wrote:

Is this what your parents would want? I am not suggesting you go 50:50, but it appears that your parents were very much considering him family. It also seems like you got more than you need to get by, so what harm would there be in giving this kid a better than average transition out of foster care since it seems like he's now alone in the world for a second time.

Roscomenow wrote:

You have the legal right, but your sense of guilt is telling you that you are morally wrong. Only you can decide whether to follow your conscience or not. (Flip the script: What if you were Ben and Ben was you?)

OP responded:

Ben will have around £100k already, which would be enough for him to buy a small house/flat outright or a bigger one with a very small mortgage. That is certainly more than I was given at 18.

sunbeamsoffglass wrote:

Your parents had more than a decade to include him in their estate or adopt him.

You aren’t wrong. It’s your inheritance. Period.

Tell the GF it’s not her place to tell you what to do with your money.

Also this is a huge red flag for a further relationship with her.

OP responded:

Ben isn't and wasn't eligible for adoption, I agree about the will but at the same time they never wrote one at all which could be just poor planning on their part. Which is why I feel conflicted to begin with.

Bartok_The_Batty wrote:

Your parents were Ben’s parents for 11 years. It’s a bit vulgar for you to refer to them as his parental figures.

I feel that you are being selfish and abandoning your brother.

A little over a week later, OP shared an update.

Hey everyone, it’s been a bit of a whirlwind since I first posted, and I wanted to come back with an update. I read through the comments and took a lot of what was said to heart, even the tough love. Some of you made me realise that I was focusing too much on what was legally mine and not enough on what my parents would have wanted and what Ben really needs right now.

First, I want to clarify something that I’ve been thinking about a lot: my parents were amazing people, and they took Ben in because they wanted to give him a stable, loving home. Even though they didn’t adopt him, they treated him as their son. So, I’ve been asking myself, if they were here, what would they want me to do?

I had a long talk with my girlfriend, who’s been a rock through all this. She’s been a lot more involved with Ben, and she helped me see things from a different perspective. I also spoke to the solicitors to get a clearer picture of what my parents had set up for Ben through his ISA and any other resources.

After all of this, I’ve decided that I will continue contributing to Ben’s ISA until he turns 18, just like my parents did. But more importantly, I’ve also set aside a portion of the inheritance in a trust for him. This isn’t about giving away half of everything or feeling pressured—it’s about doing what feels right for me and, I believe, what would have been right by my parents.

I know some of you suggested that I take Ben in, and while I’m not ready to go that far, I’ve reached out to his social worker to ensure he’s getting the support he needs. I’ve also decided to stay more involved in his life. I realise now that this is about more than just money; it’s about making sure he knows he’s not alone in the world.

To those who pointed out that I sounded cold or indifferent, you’re right—I was. But this whole experience has made me reflect on the kind of person I want to be. I’m not just thinking about securing my own future anymore; I’m thinking about how I can honour my parents’ legacy by helping Ben build his.

Thanks for the wake-up call, everyone. It’s still a painful and confusing time, but I’m doing my best to move forward with empathy and compassion. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from all of this, it’s that family isn’t just about blood—it’s about showing up for the people who need you, especially when it’s hard. Take care, and thanks again for your advice and support.

The comments kept coming.

CadenceQuandry wrote:

I remember reading your other post, and I'm so glad that you've had some time to think and change your mind, and your heart, about the whole thing. I think your parents would be proud of you. I have no doubt this is a hard time that has left you reeling and maybe a bit dazed, but by listening to other people's opinions and ideas, you've shown such growth and maturity. It's really impressive.

Usually people come online with a situation like this, and when people disagree with them, they double down and dig their heels in. It's so rare to see someone reflect, and come to a different point of view.

There's a beautiful Jewish saying that I hope strikes true for you (I'm not Jewish, but have friends who are) - "may their memories be a blessing." Good luck going forward. And I hope you and Ben find a new normal that works for both of you.

mayfeelthis wrote:

Such a lovely post and update. Just wanted to say that. I’ve been in a similar situation and our unconventional siblings first approach is apparently unheard of. We chose to care for eachother, because it’s what our parent would’ve wanted and also (I kept reminding everyone/myself) this is who we are now.

What we do.

I’ve also seen siblings go straight down the entitlement path and no clashes and hurdles they face from their mindset, no amount of coaches and personal development, would open their eyes to themselves.

Anyway, I am sorry for your losses. I hope you and your brother know you have each other no matter what, and even money doesn’t get in the way of that - that is the legacy our parent intended, and we managed to establish.

I’m happy for you to see that and truly wish you both all the strength and wisdom in life. If it’s anything like it was for me, your parents guidance will be there every step of the way. In the way you think, act, and especially when you reflect on decisions. They’re never gone. 🕯️🥹

Imho, always do what your conscience can live with. What you’d advise your potential future kids/protégés to do. If asked at a tribunal, something you’d proudly standby. Thank your girlfriend dearly for making you take a step back and reconsider. She sounds like a keeper.

Raibean wrote:

I’m sorry you were put in such a terrible situation especially while you’re grieving. I’m glad you took the time and effort to consider what your parents would want and will continue to support your foster brother. I think it’s the right thing to do.

thfemaleofthespecies wrote:

It’s so lovely to see someone online working through a really thoughtful reflection and response to a situation they were struggling with. It’s uplifting to see you deciding to use this situation to live as the person you want to be. You may well look back on this moment in future years as a pivotal moment in your life journey. Thank you for bringing a little more good into the world today.